Archives: Banished Words 1989
At The Top
Insurance A contradiction in terms. Even
if it isnt, I sure dont want to buy insurance
to make certain that I acquire catastrophic health. I
have enough problems as it is. Karl Zipf, Walla
an adjective. What, or whom, does gourmet-flavor
cat food taste like? George H. Drury, Milwaukee,
A cheap catch phrase for people born during a
population explosion of their own making. Dave
Frownfelder (News Director), Mike Clement (Sports
Director), WLEN Radio, Adrian, Michigan.
Soft Wheel Infrastructure
System Bureaucratic lingo gone mad. Use
highways. Chris Thompson, Duluth, Minnesota.
Signs Of The
Used by real estate agents because its fancier than
dead end; means: last street to be plowed after a snow
storm. Bruce Gemmel, Georgetown, Ont.
Total Capacity Of This Room
Limited To 100 Persons Probably developed
by sign makers paid by the letter. Redundant! Total,
capacity and limit all have the same meaning. THIS
ROOM on a sign in a room is also unnecessary, as a
sign for the next room wouldnt be posted in this
room. The noun, persons, is superfluous, unless the
locals are apt to bring elephants along for a meal.
Capacity 100 is sufficient for most
reasonable, reasoning human beings. Joseph S.
Bommarito, Portage, Michigan.
road signs. (If feet are crossing the road, whats
attached? Pretty, Exotic Dancers?) See spin Doctor.
Bob Bates, Columbus, Ohio.
Cold Glass Of Beer
Who cares about the temperature of the glass?
Called into the City Desk Show, Joe Easingwood, C-Fax
Radio, Victoria, British Columbia.
Is this where you park your disability? Joanne D.
Denko, M.D., Rocky River, Ohio.
Store sign reported in Boston. Could I buy a half-gallon
watch? Would it cost me less to buy a pint-size watch?
M.E. ORourke, Dorcherster, Massachusetts.
Great-Granddad stopped putting his driving gloves in a
glove compartment around 1910. We cant have archaic
and eat it too. Ivan Evasivitch, Chicago, Illinois.
Hes got the good hands. Could be a
baseball player, or a football player. Which does a nose
tackle need: good hands, or small nostrils? Could he be a
tight end with good hands? Are there any loose ends with
bad hands? Lets give em all a hand, with our
good hands. Jim Cook, Scarborough, Ontario.
as a verb by sportscasters. Bubba OSullivan
is a quarterback who is though to defense. Use the
verb DEFEND. When I hear that folks are DEFENSING, I
expect to see a work crew removing lengths of fencing.
Will the fences around the stadium eventually disappear?
Robert M Anderson, Chelsea, Michigan.
Tough Road To Hoe
Dont use a hoe on roads. A hoe is too small and the
road is too wide; too tough to hoe. Use a hoe to make
rows in fields of soft dirt, but not on a playing field.
Its a tough ROW to hoe, by the Joe. Vince
Greiner, Hart, Michigan.
We make em fresh every day. Could they
make them stale? (Probably. But who would want stale
donuts?) Jerome Blattner, Lima, Ohio.
Is stale thawed the result? Robert M.
Sage, Ft. Myers, Florida.
The downwind freshness of many farms reveals
this is an ill-chosen term. (Hey there shopper, even been
to a farm?) Jack Dietrich, Albuquerque, New Mexico.
This applies to Supermarket donuts? (May be better than
farm fresh.) Henry F. Lauber, Ferguson, Missouri.
How else do you bake it? John T. Brown, Mansfield,
Driving What other kind is there?
Ink Pen Is
this used to avoid confusion with pig pen? Ken
Terpstra, Jenison, Michigan.
Why call a pie a pie-pie? Fie on the double
pie, even if its thick crust. Beverly Murray,
Cranford, New Jersey.
A funeral home in Gulfport, MS, asks people to do pre-planning.
(Probably for their predestination.) Kathryn H.
Stine, Gautier, Mississippi.
Wise Old Adage
I thought ADAGE meant wise old saying. This means, wise,
wise, old, old saying; even Ann Landers gets this one
wrong. M.W. Connell, Grosse Pointe, Michigan.
As a frequent patron of craft shows, I have yet to find
any mouth-blown glass. Can craftsmens hands do
tricks that we dont know about? John T.
Brown, Mansfield, Ohio.
Read My Lips
You should have used my 1987 entry. If it had been banned
last year, we would not have had to listen to this
throughout the 1988 campaign. In the interest of forging
a kinder and gentler nation, I am withdrawing my 1987
suggestion that the lips of all political candidates be
fattened up for easier reading. Michael Locke, Mt.
Must refer to the words that a successful candidate will
have to eat after the election. Keith C. Krahnke,
This must refer to a terrific slam dancer with an M.D. Or
does it describe a nice move to the hoop by Julius Erving?
What kind of illness can be treated this way, vertigo?
M. DeChant, Newberry, Michigan.
Sounds like the high priest of an offshoot Eastern
religion. I went to the high mountain to commune
with His Holiness the Docudrama.
A movie that has been hacked up because its to long,
or too boring to show in its entirety on one night. A
MINI SERIES should be a series which looks (and looks) at
hybrid, drama/comedy, of the Moonlighting
genre, sounds like a camel with the shingles.
Another Hybrid, information/entertainment, a Geraldo
Rivera specialty. Sounds like a government policy to stem
the spread of communism by flooding Third World countries
with free copies of The Readers Digest.
Keith C. Krahnke, Paradise, Michigan.
Mate, Spark Up The Barbie, Too Right
and all the other Australian slang: Aussiisms
creeping like crocodiles into North Americans English.
Send them back down under to die in the outback.
Susie ODonnell, a.k.a. The Sooze, Willowdale,
This little gem comes from educators, the same functional
illiterates who use the word competency.
This little dandy lurks in the field of espionage,
waiting to jump out at us. Crypto equipment is zeroized,
rather than reset. Educators could use this euphemism for
fail, as in, Mrs. Jones, your son Johnny has been
Zeroized. (We thought it referred to Little Orphan
Annies invisible pupils.) Robert E. Smading,
Late-night televised movies. I was a Zombie,
Teenage Zombie, I was a Zombie for the
F.B.I., Zombie High School, Zombie
Surfers Cant Die. Presumably these are
classics to Zombie Cults.
anything classic. Although you banned this in 1982, it
has escaped the sportscasters lexicon. It now
permeates national advertising! Coca Cola has NEW
Coke banging on CLASSIC Coke, which of course
is OLD Coke. Students were told about Shakespeare, Van
Gogh, and Beethoven classics. Their ad-choked minds may
equate classics to Nude Descending a Staircase
With Coke, or The Thinker With
Hamburger, Or To Eat Or Not To Eat
Thats the Indigestion.
All of the fast-food outlets now put my breakfast on one
of these. It makes me wonder if these products are made
form dandruff or fleas. I can also buy steakbiscuits and
hambiscuits. If these things grow on a cow, or pig, they
must grow where I cant see them. - Lou Vodopya,
Folks out here say hasta la bye bye and
hasta lumbago for hasta la vista.
This reflects a bad attitude, know here as a TUDE.
Denise M. Brummel, Redondo Beach, California
Book title. Good trick if you can do it. (Must be
an autobiography.) Nadine S. Kapper, Alta Loma,
This is not a gland that bows or kneels in
adoration; nor does it throw itself on the earth face
down. Its not prostRate. Its prostate. There
is no R in this gland. Edwina L. Wilkinson, R.N.,
New Baltimore, Michigan
When the words wont come and youre living on
the jagged edge of linguistic endurance, simply insert OR
WHATEVER. Here in Canada its a kind of hamburger
extender for a lean lexicon. Ron Jeffels, Richmond,
Enclosed Please Find
If its enclosed any idiot can find it.
Rosemary K. Burroughs, Bryan, Texas.
Jeans, blouses, perfume, coats, windows. A designer is
the one who plans who designs, who makes original
sketches, patterns, scenes. If someone actually drew upon
your entire lower body then you could claim to display
designer jeans, or a massive tattoo. Charles Riley,
A modern behavior management technique used on children.
Similar to the old fashion stand in the corner.
According to the descriptive material submitted: The
child is quickly restrained
restricted to a chair
must stay there for a minimum of three
minutes PLUS 10 quiet seconds
no struggling before
Be careful to use ONLY the amount of
pressure necessary to maintain the child in the forced
be ever ready to reapply the
pressure should your child begin again to resist. (Could
adults benefit from this modern technique at the end of a
tough day?) An Orwellian oxymoron. Mary Sullivan,